Lessons I'm Learning
I keep referencing the "lessons I'm learning", so I figured it was time I share a few. As a disclaimer, I feel like I should already have known 90% of this stuff, so set your expectations low and don't expect anything especially groundbreaking. And truthfully, I don't think I'm necessarily even learning these things for the first time. I think in life we learn a lot of lessons over and over again and each time they mean something a little different and each time they sink a little deeper. In this case, they've sunk a lot deeper. So maybe a more appropriate title might have been, "Lessons I'm Relearning."
1) Everyone has bad things happen to them.
I know guys...big "duh" here. I told you this wasn't groundbreaking. When this really hit home for me though, was when I started having dozens of people reaching out, referring me to someone they knew who had lost their infant child. I started to think, what is up with this world that everyone knows someone who has lost a baby??!? And then it got me thinking...as much as our scenario is one of the worst I could have envisioned, there are so many other terrible things that happen to people. They lose an older child, a loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness, they are diagnosed with a terminal illness, they struggle with infertility, their spouse gets Alzheimer's or Dementia, their lives are upturned by a natural disaster, they or one of their family members struggle with a lifetime of depression, they are paralyzed, they go through a painful divorce, etc...
You're probably thinking, "wow, well this is depressing." But trust me, that's not my intent. My thought is more; don't ever kid yourself into thinking you're the only one struggling or you've got it so much worse than the next person. Actually...some of you really might. But for the most part, we are all struggling at various points in our lives and to varying degrees. And if that is true that we are all struggling pretty bad at times, we could probably spend a little less time feeling bad for ourselves and a little more time having compassion for others. Having struggled ourselves and knowing what it's like to be the recipient of extra tender care from those around us, we're probably capable of offering more love, support, encouragement, sympathy and understanding to others then maybe we would naturally be inclined to do.
The outpouring of love we've received since we shared the news about Everly is mind blowing to me. Like seriously. I really don't even have the words for how kind and uplifting people have been toward us. I wouldn't expect this to continue on for the rest of my life, but I wonder if we might all be capable of offering a fraction more of that to people just by default, even if we aren't aware of any major challenges in their lives. In his April 2004 General Conference talk, President Eyring quoted a district president that he had served as a counselor to. The wise district president gave Elder Eyring the following advice, "When you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time." And I just want to give a big, resounding "Amen" to that.
Another thing that came to mind was, maybe...just maybe...this may be part of the explanation for why we experience big challenges in life. Facing these challenges puts us in situations where we need the help of others or where our help is needed. Obviously no one ever wants to be in a position of needing help but think back on those times in your life - did they not bring you so much closer to loved ones? Did they not boost your faith in humankind and make you want to be a better person yourself? Did they not make you more empathetic towards others and mindful of their needs? Did they not put you in a position to later on lift and strengthen another?
Many people question, "Why does God let bad things happen to good people?" I won't pretend for one second that I have the right answer to that question but I believe one reason could be, to remind us we are human and that ultimately we depend on God and our Savior for all things. Another might be that those situations shape us and force us to grow in ways we just wouldn't otherwise. But I also believe a third, big reason is that it connects people. It is through these challenges that we become kinder, more loving and empathetic people. And it is through these challenges that we experience the forging and sustaining of loving, supportive relationships. I can't say for sure if this is a purpose for bad things happening to us but regardless, it's a pretty great outcome we could at least be aiming for.
So just be kind, ok? (<--- public note to self)
2) We are capable of strengthening others even when we feel weak.
When I was in college my roommate died in a car accident. That was definitely the most difficult thing I had ever faced at that point in my life. In the weeks following I was depressed and struggling and my Bishop counseled me that I needed to serve others. I was like..."um...excuse you?" Here I was at my lowest low and my Bishop was telling me I needed to help others. I was hoping for something more along the lines of, "sorry you're suffering, here's an army of people to cheer you up and make you feel better" so his advice was kind of a low blow and not all that appreciated.
After I was done being mad at his advice, I decided to take it. After all, nothing I came up with was working so I might as well give it a shot. Sure enough, it worked. Not only did it take my mind off my suffering, it showed me others who were struggling (and handling their struggles more gracefully than I had been) and it gave me the good feelings you get from helping others. I don't know why prior to this I had been so convinced I needed to be doing really great in life to be of any help to others but it's such a fallacy. In some cases, the very fact that you've been brought low puts you in a better position to serve because you are more capable of empathizing.
Since the diagnosis I have not yet been a huge help to anyone, but I have tried to serve in very little ways. It may just be offering words of support or encouragement, celebrating the joys others are experiencing, sharing my faith or letting someone know how much I value their friendship, but it's something. I can feel the difference it makes in my own life and hopefully it makes a difference in theirs.
3) We are blessed in more ways than we will ever recognize.
Ever since Everly's diagnosis and reaching an all time low in my life, I've started to be more in tune to the good in the world and the blessings I'm experiencing. Some of these things would probably seem silly and I myself might have found them to be silly before I started viewing the world through a different lens. Take for example, the night we ate dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. The Friday after the diagnosis we decided to treat ourselves to a night out. The four of us did a little Halloween outing and then we went to dinner. As we sat in the crammed tables of the Cheesecake Factory, the couple next to us struck up a conversation. Mind you, half of their table was empty (the half closest to us) which meant this conversation basically extended across two tables.
It was awkward at first and I was trying to politely smile and exit the conversation so that Matt and I could return to our dinner date. This guy turned out to be pretty relentless though. He just kept going with the conversation, leaving us no real way to weasel out of it. As I came to terms with this and actually committed into the conversation, I found myself feeling lighter and uplifted. He was such a nice person and talking to him made me totally forget the situation we were in. I honestly left dinner feeling just a little better about life. Call me a crazy but I'm claiming this as a blessing. Maybe it was one of those -orchestrated by God because he knew I needed it- kind of blessing or maybe it was a -genuinely good person just did a kind and helpful thing- kind of blessing, but at the end of the day, does it really matter which one it was? It doesn't to me, because either way I was blessed by it.
There have of course also been some HUGE and undeniable blessings throughout this process as well. There was the family from our congregation who also had a child with Anencephaly that was placed in our path just before we received the diagnosis. There was the doctor that delivered this couple's baby (the doctor who they loved dearly) who for the first time in ages is actually accepting new patients. There were our dear friends who happen to have experience with making infant coffins, who volunteered to make one for Everly. There are the thousands of kind messages people have sent us via text, Instagram, Facebook, letter or phone. There have been the inexplicably powerful feelings of strength, confidence and hope. There have been packages and gifts and offers to help and serve. There really are not enough thank yous in the world for all the blessings we have received from God and from his angels, both in heaven and on earth. But as important as it is to recognize these huge blessings and give credit for their source, I think it's also important to pay attention for some of those smaller, maybe silly blessings we encounter. I think there will soon come a day where I'm not coming home every day to packages on my doorstep or receiving texts/phone calls of encouragement, but I do believe I'll still be having experiences like meeting kind strangers and I'm going to need every last one of them.
I know these lessons aren't anything super profound but the influence they've had on me and my outlook on our situation has felt profound. Our situation is what it is and there is nothing I can do to change it. All I can do is try and make the best of it. For me, a huge part of making the best of it has been learning from these lessons and trying to become a better wife, mother, friend and human being. It has also been meaningful for me to share this experience and these lessons with others, in hopes that Everly's short life might have a positive impact on more lives than just ours.
1) Everyone has bad things happen to them.
I know guys...big "duh" here. I told you this wasn't groundbreaking. When this really hit home for me though, was when I started having dozens of people reaching out, referring me to someone they knew who had lost their infant child. I started to think, what is up with this world that everyone knows someone who has lost a baby??!? And then it got me thinking...as much as our scenario is one of the worst I could have envisioned, there are so many other terrible things that happen to people. They lose an older child, a loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness, they are diagnosed with a terminal illness, they struggle with infertility, their spouse gets Alzheimer's or Dementia, their lives are upturned by a natural disaster, they or one of their family members struggle with a lifetime of depression, they are paralyzed, they go through a painful divorce, etc...
You're probably thinking, "wow, well this is depressing." But trust me, that's not my intent. My thought is more; don't ever kid yourself into thinking you're the only one struggling or you've got it so much worse than the next person. Actually...some of you really might. But for the most part, we are all struggling at various points in our lives and to varying degrees. And if that is true that we are all struggling pretty bad at times, we could probably spend a little less time feeling bad for ourselves and a little more time having compassion for others. Having struggled ourselves and knowing what it's like to be the recipient of extra tender care from those around us, we're probably capable of offering more love, support, encouragement, sympathy and understanding to others then maybe we would naturally be inclined to do.
The outpouring of love we've received since we shared the news about Everly is mind blowing to me. Like seriously. I really don't even have the words for how kind and uplifting people have been toward us. I wouldn't expect this to continue on for the rest of my life, but I wonder if we might all be capable of offering a fraction more of that to people just by default, even if we aren't aware of any major challenges in their lives. In his April 2004 General Conference talk, President Eyring quoted a district president that he had served as a counselor to. The wise district president gave Elder Eyring the following advice, "When you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time." And I just want to give a big, resounding "Amen" to that.
Another thing that came to mind was, maybe...just maybe...this may be part of the explanation for why we experience big challenges in life. Facing these challenges puts us in situations where we need the help of others or where our help is needed. Obviously no one ever wants to be in a position of needing help but think back on those times in your life - did they not bring you so much closer to loved ones? Did they not boost your faith in humankind and make you want to be a better person yourself? Did they not make you more empathetic towards others and mindful of their needs? Did they not put you in a position to later on lift and strengthen another?
Many people question, "Why does God let bad things happen to good people?" I won't pretend for one second that I have the right answer to that question but I believe one reason could be, to remind us we are human and that ultimately we depend on God and our Savior for all things. Another might be that those situations shape us and force us to grow in ways we just wouldn't otherwise. But I also believe a third, big reason is that it connects people. It is through these challenges that we become kinder, more loving and empathetic people. And it is through these challenges that we experience the forging and sustaining of loving, supportive relationships. I can't say for sure if this is a purpose for bad things happening to us but regardless, it's a pretty great outcome we could at least be aiming for.
So just be kind, ok? (<--- public note to self)
2) We are capable of strengthening others even when we feel weak.
When I was in college my roommate died in a car accident. That was definitely the most difficult thing I had ever faced at that point in my life. In the weeks following I was depressed and struggling and my Bishop counseled me that I needed to serve others. I was like..."um...excuse you?" Here I was at my lowest low and my Bishop was telling me I needed to help others. I was hoping for something more along the lines of, "sorry you're suffering, here's an army of people to cheer you up and make you feel better" so his advice was kind of a low blow and not all that appreciated.
After I was done being mad at his advice, I decided to take it. After all, nothing I came up with was working so I might as well give it a shot. Sure enough, it worked. Not only did it take my mind off my suffering, it showed me others who were struggling (and handling their struggles more gracefully than I had been) and it gave me the good feelings you get from helping others. I don't know why prior to this I had been so convinced I needed to be doing really great in life to be of any help to others but it's such a fallacy. In some cases, the very fact that you've been brought low puts you in a better position to serve because you are more capable of empathizing.
Since the diagnosis I have not yet been a huge help to anyone, but I have tried to serve in very little ways. It may just be offering words of support or encouragement, celebrating the joys others are experiencing, sharing my faith or letting someone know how much I value their friendship, but it's something. I can feel the difference it makes in my own life and hopefully it makes a difference in theirs.
3) We are blessed in more ways than we will ever recognize.
Ever since Everly's diagnosis and reaching an all time low in my life, I've started to be more in tune to the good in the world and the blessings I'm experiencing. Some of these things would probably seem silly and I myself might have found them to be silly before I started viewing the world through a different lens. Take for example, the night we ate dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. The Friday after the diagnosis we decided to treat ourselves to a night out. The four of us did a little Halloween outing and then we went to dinner. As we sat in the crammed tables of the Cheesecake Factory, the couple next to us struck up a conversation. Mind you, half of their table was empty (the half closest to us) which meant this conversation basically extended across two tables.
It was awkward at first and I was trying to politely smile and exit the conversation so that Matt and I could return to our dinner date. This guy turned out to be pretty relentless though. He just kept going with the conversation, leaving us no real way to weasel out of it. As I came to terms with this and actually committed into the conversation, I found myself feeling lighter and uplifted. He was such a nice person and talking to him made me totally forget the situation we were in. I honestly left dinner feeling just a little better about life. Call me a crazy but I'm claiming this as a blessing. Maybe it was one of those -orchestrated by God because he knew I needed it- kind of blessing or maybe it was a -genuinely good person just did a kind and helpful thing- kind of blessing, but at the end of the day, does it really matter which one it was? It doesn't to me, because either way I was blessed by it.
There have of course also been some HUGE and undeniable blessings throughout this process as well. There was the family from our congregation who also had a child with Anencephaly that was placed in our path just before we received the diagnosis. There was the doctor that delivered this couple's baby (the doctor who they loved dearly) who for the first time in ages is actually accepting new patients. There were our dear friends who happen to have experience with making infant coffins, who volunteered to make one for Everly. There are the thousands of kind messages people have sent us via text, Instagram, Facebook, letter or phone. There have been the inexplicably powerful feelings of strength, confidence and hope. There have been packages and gifts and offers to help and serve. There really are not enough thank yous in the world for all the blessings we have received from God and from his angels, both in heaven and on earth. But as important as it is to recognize these huge blessings and give credit for their source, I think it's also important to pay attention for some of those smaller, maybe silly blessings we encounter. I think there will soon come a day where I'm not coming home every day to packages on my doorstep or receiving texts/phone calls of encouragement, but I do believe I'll still be having experiences like meeting kind strangers and I'm going to need every last one of them.
I know these lessons aren't anything super profound but the influence they've had on me and my outlook on our situation has felt profound. Our situation is what it is and there is nothing I can do to change it. All I can do is try and make the best of it. For me, a huge part of making the best of it has been learning from these lessons and trying to become a better wife, mother, friend and human being. It has also been meaningful for me to share this experience and these lessons with others, in hopes that Everly's short life might have a positive impact on more lives than just ours.
❤️
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